Video

Different Approaches

30 Jun

Here are two old favorite beauty product stories/campaigns:

The Wild Rose of Indiana and his lovely Rock:

 

And:

 

What overarching theme(s) do you feel they share (or attempt to share)?

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Video

Marinating in the Shower

26 Jul

What’s one of the oldest beauty rituals in the world? Baths!

What’s a surefire way to feel like royalty? Baths!

What’s one of the most common household feature that often gets excluded from urban apartments? Bathtubs…

Hmm. We’ve got a quandary.

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Unless you’re Marat, or Colin from The Secret Garden (remember that horrible ice bath scene in the movie?) or the victims of Countess Elizabeth Báthory, you surely like the concept of taking a bath. You can add rose petals and candles! Or you can write scathing reviews à la Waldo Lydecker in Laura.

Who can I make cry today?

There are a number of beautifying baths one can take. Cleopatra, Elizabeth I and Sisi preferred milk baths; the Countess Elizabeth Báthory de Ecsed mentioned earlier famously murdered virgins to bathe in their youthful blood. As we can see, bath time can either be spa time, murder time, or playtime: John F. Kennedy apparently had toys in his bath even as president!

Problem is, most of us broke fi broke plebes in New York and other urban areas don’t have the luxury of having a bathtub in our sardine apartments. But there are products that can recreate the experience of bathing even while showering (which is far more environmentally friendly anyways).

Here are some products to use in the shower to get you dreamin’ about the future when you’re rich and have a mansion with 18 bathtubs:

To soften your skin, use Archipelago milk products and luxuriate as Cleo, Liz and Sisi did. They smell deliciously clean. Both men and women will enjoy using these milky treats to condition their skin, hair and body. An ex beau used the Shaving Cream before razoring his face; women can use the Leg Lather to keep their stems slick and razor burn free. To keep the scent close at hand, carry the Soy Milk Travel-Size Hand Creme in your bag. You’ll be sniffing your mitts all day.

Ever since your bout with chicken pox twenty-something years ago, you may not have sprinkled that Quaker cereal grain into your tub water. But ya should. Those prone to itchy skin must know about this remedy. St. Ives’ oatmeal bath products are well known, but you can also create an oatmeal bath in your shower by making an oatmeal shower bag. Or just buy one from this Etsy store.

Marinate in salt water if you got sore muscles. We all know this: NFL Players, Olympians and average schmoes use Epsom salt. Besides soothing your biceps, salt is also a known beauty ingredient (Dead Sea, for example). For you active rabbits, Kiss My Face Quads: Active Athlete body wash is packed with muscle relaxin’ ingredients: birch and eucalyptus.

So, we’ve got the bath in a shower stuff down pretty well. Here’s hoping Archipelago will come out with a blood line soon (NOT)!

As always, holler about your favorite shower stuff.

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Waldo Lydecker photo source

P.S: This is a delightfully funny read on the Blood Bath Queen

Video

POSH : Port Out Starboard Home

28 May

It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey in New York. While the weather’s having another tizzy fit, spark up a Malin + Goetze cannabis candle and peruse these beachy-keen things to get your mind off the rain.

what’s your summer song?

Smack, smooch, eat a popsicle and swallow uh… sea water with Becca Beach Tint for Lips and Cheeks. You know what? It’s that good it’s getting a photo for all you visual learners: Image The name says it all– this stuff is designed for the beach! It’s waterproof, blendable, buildable, and gives you a beautiful even color. No worries about swallowing stuck on hair strands either — Becca’s not goopy or sticky. It just seeps into your lips in a very, very low-key and pretty way. Add more layers for pizzazz and you’re good to go. I’m partial to berry shades but pick ya fave.

Since this post is beach themed, and although the sun is sleeping this May, sunscreen is the happiest and sexiest scent on earth. Just as happy and sexy as this tumblr: surfer-boys.

Go get yourself a boozy ice pop and let’s take a moment on that site before continuing

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Okay then, so slap on the euphoria even through this rainy season. It’ll lift your spirits. Promise. Current cheap fave is generic Duane Reade SPF 50 which smells exactly like sunscreen should and is easy to buy for you broke fi broke out there. Remember your ears, neck, and hands when schmearing. And since you’re being sooo good and spraying on the sun, further fox that faux tan with Physicians’ Formula Powder Palette Mineral Glow Pearls. If you have been chrysalis-izing till now, however, MAC Bronzing Powder will get you colorful. It’s matte, without shimmer and flash, so it really gives you a believable sun-kissed look.

I’m readdyyy! Sunshine here we come!

Spritz your mane with Miracle It’s A 10 Leave In to hydrate those salt-chlorine-sun scorched hairs. Those with finer hair should use their paws to distribute the product and not spritz their head directly because it is super conditioning and too much will make finer-haired folks look greasy. Curly and voluptuously maned pals like the dude below can splash directly.

definitely can handle the 10

 

Yes, yes, Princess Carolyn Bessette Kennedy famously wore this.

Unless you like being a mosquito’s milkshake, skip perfume in the summer. Having said that, Kareem Abdul’s Egyptian Musk is the ideal and perfect hint-o’-scent for the summer/year round/life. It too will get a photo cause it’s just that awesome.

Alright, alright, hear me out: This ain’t your grandma’s musk. It won’t retrieve repressed memories of being force-fed jelly candy and being told to sit straight. You’ll not pass out from this NOT overpowering scent. The Amazon description hits the nail on the mark (clickedy clack on the oil’s link above to read it). You will not smell like you’re wearing perfume. It’s subtle and just illuminates you in a stunning, truly personal way. It’s hard to describe! Guys and girls who hate “perfume” will love this.

Alright, as always, lemme know what you do to get ready for summer. For my New York friends, keep your spirit throughout this rain.


P.S.:

Like the monkey balls comment, the title refers to another nautical term. Those seamen are the best wordsmiths! 

Video

ahhhhhh

20 Mar

I realized once I started getting super excited at the thought of writing about beauty stuff that I am not really good at being polished. I mean, I DO my eyebrows and wax under my belt and all but I am way more into sleep than I am into getting ready for work.  I get really bad callouses from walking everywhere in stupid shoes as well as overgrown cuticles from ripping off my finger nails when I’m nervous as fuck or stressed. I constantly check my hair for split ends and I LOVE IT. Anyone who examines his or her hair knows that it’s a hugely enjoyable, comforting, and pathological pleasure. I get a rush every time I find a really good split end (you know, the whacked out kind that splinters in a million ways or is super long— scoooore! Only problem is that you look like a total loon when indulging in some split end treasure hunting plus it wrecks your ‘do). Anyway, back to why I really am not the best person to be writing on beauty stuff. I use nail polish to make splatter cards (see below) and can only paint the remaining shreds of my left hand’s carnaged fingernails with my right hand because my left hand is too useless for anything that requires precision. And although I never leave the house without mascara and adore eye makeup of all kind, I buy a lot of it to draw costumes (à la Karl Lagerfeld) because makeup really gives clothing drawings a softer, more fabric-y look. I wish I used Shu Uemura or any other really fancy grade-A stuff but that shit is expensive so for right now Wet ‘N Wild and New York Color will just have to do.

splatter

(the banner in this picture was done by the stupendous and talented ladies over at nosurefooting)

Image

Ashy knees aside, I don’t think I look too horrible even though I may be unpolished. I lucked out in the face-epidermis department and have long lashes so I can get by ONLY if the rest of me is completely covered up by fabric (preferably laundered fabric). I may secretly be a sloberista (sloberina? Slobby Betty? Plain ole Slob? Which one works?) but I don’t think that I look like one…at least I hope not…

So why in the world am I doing this? Ehhh well because I love Beauty in every form yadda yadda. Certain friends of mine say they like the advice I give (“pinch your cheeks to get a natural blush just like Scarlett O’Hara did in order to jump into Ashley’s pants!”) but I doubt this will ever be a “guide” in the same way that other beauty junkies/sages write (and thank god for those writers because otherwise I would still be scribbling lip liner around the mouth like Maria Bamford). We’ll see.

[more on Maria Bamford]

[if you want to pay me for some nail art commission requests can be sent here: fabrikreklame@gmail.com]