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POSH : Port Out Starboard Home

28 May

It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey in New York. While the weather’s having another tizzy fit, spark up a Malin + Goetze cannabis candle and peruse these beachy-keen things to get your mind off the rain.

what’s your summer song?

Smack, smooch, eat a popsicle and swallow uh… sea water with Becca Beach Tint for Lips and Cheeks. You know what? It’s that good it’s getting a photo for all you visual learners: Image The name says it all– this stuff is designed for the beach! It’s waterproof, blendable, buildable, and gives you a beautiful even color. No worries about swallowing stuck on hair strands either — Becca’s not goopy or sticky. It just seeps into your lips in a very, very low-key and pretty way. Add more layers for pizzazz and you’re good to go. I’m partial to berry shades but pick ya fave.

Since this post is beach themed, and although the sun is sleeping this May, sunscreen is the happiest and sexiest scent on earth. Just as happy and sexy as this tumblr: surfer-boys.

Go get yourself a boozy ice pop and let’s take a moment on that site before continuing

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Okay then, so slap on the euphoria even through this rainy season. It’ll lift your spirits. Promise. Current cheap fave is generic Duane Reade SPF 50 which smells exactly like sunscreen should and is easy to buy for you broke fi broke out there. Remember your ears, neck, and hands when schmearing. And since you’re being sooo good and spraying on the sun, further fox that faux tan with Physicians’ Formula Powder Palette Mineral Glow Pearls. If you have been chrysalis-izing till now, however, MAC Bronzing Powder will get you colorful. It’s matte, without shimmer and flash, so it really gives you a believable sun-kissed look.

I’m readdyyy! Sunshine here we come!

Spritz your mane with Miracle It’s A 10 Leave In to hydrate those salt-chlorine-sun scorched hairs. Those with finer hair should use their paws to distribute the product and not spritz their head directly because it is super conditioning and too much will make finer-haired folks look greasy. Curly and voluptuously maned pals like the dude below can splash directly.

definitely can handle the 10

 

Yes, yes, Princess Carolyn Bessette Kennedy famously wore this.

Unless you like being a mosquito’s milkshake, skip perfume in the summer. Having said that, Kareem Abdul’s Egyptian Musk is the ideal and perfect hint-o’-scent for the summer/year round/life. It too will get a photo cause it’s just that awesome.

Alright, alright, hear me out: This ain’t your grandma’s musk. It won’t retrieve repressed memories of being force-fed jelly candy and being told to sit straight. You’ll not pass out from this NOT overpowering scent. The Amazon description hits the nail on the mark (clickedy clack on the oil’s link above to read it). You will not smell like you’re wearing perfume. It’s subtle and just illuminates you in a stunning, truly personal way. It’s hard to describe! Guys and girls who hate “perfume” will love this.

Alright, as always, lemme know what you do to get ready for summer. For my New York friends, keep your spirit throughout this rain.


P.S.:

Like the monkey balls comment, the title refers to another nautical term. Those seamen are the best wordsmiths! 

Slick

22 May

Grease ‘er up.

Oil wrestling is the national sport of Turkey. If this photo gets you all hot and bothered, click here.

Seems like ever since argan oil (“Moroccan” oil) was successfully marketed as a “miracle” beauty treatment, more focus has been given to plant-based oils as natural and beneficial beauty ingredients.

Oils have been used for dietary, medicinal and cosmetic purposes throughout human history*. There is a whole alphabet of oils out there that you can use to slather and gloss with. Here are two ways to slick up and get down.

GLOP REMOVER AND SKIN CONDITIONER:

Ever wake up looking like Meeko in someone else’s den with nary a facial wipe in sight? Never fear! Most people have olive oil (usually in the kitchen) and toilet paper. Presto! ‘Coon eyes wiped away and you look dewy and lovely.

Some eye makeup removers (especially those in liquid form) can be very harsh on your delicate peeper tissue and cause irritations. Instead, use (you guessed it) oil on a cotton pad to clear the junk off and condition your skin. You already know Rose Oil‘s dexterity as a beauty base and especially as a makeup remover. I use it to wipe the drag queen load of globbity glob off my eyelashes.  Lighter oils like Virgin Olive, Sweet Almond, Jojoba, Grape seed, Vitamin E and Chamomile are great for your eyes and don’t leave as much grease behind. Use heavier oils like Coconut as a body moisturizer. All these oils are cheap if you buy them “as is” (versus packaged as beauty products) at your drugstore, health store or supermarket.

Dorian Corey

Click on the link right below this photo for the full scoop on Dor Cor’s mummy!

 What do Dorian Corey and the Ancient Egyptians have in common? A penchant for eyeliner and mummies. She had one in her tomb closet!! 

Of course, if you’d prefer to buy than create, The Balm Eye Make Up Break-Up is the best manufactured eye makeup remover. It comes in a tin and has a lighter consistency than Vaseline and is easier to spread. Most importantly, it will not throw a tantrum and spill everywhere which is a danger when travelling with oil.

HAIR SKRUNCHEROO POTION: Coconut Oil, Salt, Lemon and Water

Get a plastic spritzer and mix coconut oil, salt, lemon and water. It’s up to you to decide the proportions but remember that with coconut a little goes a long way. Add the oil first as a base and pile on the rest of the ingredients. Shake well and spritz sparingly and scrunch.

beach on your head! Yumiko Utsu’s “Octopus Portrait” (2009)

The hair potion is  a very cheap way to get beach hair (the lemon and salt lightens your strands as well) but you can always use Sally Hershberger’s Wave Spray, Wavy Hair instead which, incidentally, smells like coconut.

So how about you? Do you use oils? Do you have any other tricks for me to learn? Do you prefer to make your own beauty concoctions or trust and prefer store-bought? Tell me tell me tell me!


* Note: Ancient Greeks and Romans adored their olive oil salves while folks in Ancient Egypt preferred ben and balanos oils as bases for their aromas. The O’odham introduced jojoba to settlers as a way to treat burns and wounds. Berber women have long produced argan oil for cooking and the growing demand of the oil as a cosmetic has assisted many to establish economic independence


 

Yumiko Utsu’s “Octopus Portrait” photo credit

Keepin It 100…

21 May

… Even when you haven’t showered. Yeah, yeah, I know I know… it’s summmerr and the subway is hot.

If you ever find yourself in such a situation, quit fretting and let those pheromones fly confidently with a bit of help from the following.

 

STICK O’ SCENT: UNDERARM PERFUME

You don’t need to keep your arms pinned to your side if you have Old Spice Deodorant: The Classic Formula  and/or (your pick) Speed Stick Regular.

Old Spice Classic Deodorant Stick, Original 3.25 oz [012044389706]

Now this is the deo version — not the antiperspirent and deodorant combo mix — thus it has that refreshing Old Spice  (or Speed Stick) scent without the cakey deodorant smell of the sports-centered varieties. Essentially, it’s a freshener for your underarms and will trick even you into thinking that you actually are a responsible grown up who practices good hygiene.

 

GREASE MOPPERS: DRY SHAMPOOS

FACT: Dry shampoo is the most brilliant invention since penicillin. It too is a life saver.

All jokes aside, dry shampoo is incredibly handy. My co-worker Lizzy and I have gone through a lot of different brands and have come up with the two best so far: Oscar Blandi Pronto Dry Shampoo (loose powder that you put in your hand) and the drugstore Rolls-Royce Pssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst Dry Shampoo. When using the spritz Pssst, just remember to shake shake shake senora before using.

This whiskerando probably would have benefited from these waterless potions

The ideal dry shampoo mops, fluffs, and does not leave any dust if used with a hairbrush. It should just zest up your ‘do. With Oscar and Pssssssssst, you have no reason to have fear of your head doubling as a chalkboard.  Brush thoroughly just to make sure you get the stuff fully nuzzled on top of your skull. Otherwise you’ll end up looking like Marie Antoinette pre-Revolution.

Finally we come to

SWAMP FACE SCRUBBERS: FACIAL WIPEY THINGS

Summer gives you a serious case of “Swamp Face”: sweaty, runny, and sticky. Swamp Face + Not Showering = Miserableness. Keep facial wipes in every single bag you own.

Every person has his /her  favorite wipe and my currents are Yes to Carrots Cucumber Facial Towlettes and Neutrogena Hydrating towels. Scrubs away the sins of last night that lead you to not showering this morning in the first place.

SWAMP FACE MISTERS

My friend Allison brought it up that a great thing to keep in mind for the summer is a spritzy mist. There are a whole lot out there. From Evian to Caudalie, most can get pricey. Remember the rose spritz mentioned earlier here? That works very well and also restores the pH balance in your face. You can of course just get a plastic spritz bottle from the drugstore and fill with water, but I’d recommend adding some witch hazel to that mix to swagg it up inexpensively. Witch hazel is pretty cheap and everyone should have it in their cabinets. I like all witch hazels, but there is something about Thayers Witch Hazel with Aloe Vera Rose Petals that looks so perfect not only on the face but also on the counter. It’s all about the aesthetics people.

So, what are your tricks? I really need to have a couple more in my bag!

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Edgar Degas’ “Woman Seated in an Armchair Wiping Her Left Armpit” (c. 1895)

Beard dude photo credit

Henri Matisse’s “Portrait of Madame Matisse” (1905)

The Humble Sex Queen Vanilla Bean

14 May

You want to get all lusted after? Wear vanilla. Or maybe just wear bacon lube.

The current favorites:

Boyfriend by the faux OB/GYN herself, Ms. Addison Walker.

Boyfriend - Boyfriend

Oh man. This will make you want to take a bite out of your wrists. If you’re into cannibalism, just spritz spritz this all over and lay down naked on a bed of muffin tins.

Hanae Mori’s Butterfly

Go forth you flutterbys with Hanae Mori’s delicious perfume. This is a warmer, stronger scent than “Boyfriend” but is absolutely fetching.

This is for your more “mature” dates, the one’s where you get all gussied up and break out the heels and go somewhere super shmancy for dinner– the kinda place where you probably couldn’t get into least alone want to go to on your own. You know what I’m talking about.

What are your favorite vanilla based spritzes? Lemme know!

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Mata Hair photo credit

Let’s Go Out

26 Mar

Like up all night on “fun stuff”-out. Usually the best night begins with an optimistic plan to just get one beer with a friend and then lo and behold you’re rolling to the deli for 5 AM beer and egg n’ cheeses. But…for those concerts/events/museum openings that you have been looking forward to and want to get all sprucey goosey for, take a break from the bronzer and smokey eye and get hot pink and sparkly.

You can combine all this stuff if you’re a candy flippin flower child or want to look like one (respect). Try one or two suggestions on their own if you like planet Earth and want to stay firmly within this side of the orbit (also respect). It should go without saying that you don’t give a hootenanny about squares and their raised eyebrows though.

Tinkerbell ain’t got nuthin on you when you douse your mane in this spray. The sidewalks will be blessed with your fairy dust as you float on by.

Another nice alternative is NYX Body Glitter Gel in a whole range of fabulous colors. Take a swim in it– it can be used both for hair and body.

Like a glow stick, you can mix Make Up Forever Fluo Night powder in white with other powder makeup to enhance the pigment or to make visible in black light. I like to mix and design things around my eyes like flowers or just color blocks. Or mix the pink with your lipstick for some trippy lips. I only have the white and the pink one, but I would love to do a whole body art piece with the whole palette.

Anyone remember when Sailor Beyonce made her Temptu Dereon temporary tattoo line? I have a box of Temptu‘s temporary tattoos in like “Sweetheart” or something. This was for that one time I went out inspired by a rockabilly person. It came with intricate designs, some roses, hearts, and other things. You need a little bit of patience to apply them as well as the professional did for Beyonce (below). I can’t seem to see if Temptu is still producing the sets anymore but temporary kid tattoos are fun too just for the hell of it.

Speaking of tats, Maybelline’s Eye Studio Color Tattoo come in a WHOLE range of super pigmented pleasure pods. They are smudge proof, drink proof, hurricane proof and truly last 24 hours (I tested this once by drinking a bottle of wine by myself during Hurricane Sandy Halloween before going out — I was an evil queen — and woke up the next day to still very violet eye lids).

There are of course a whole range of crazy party makeup options out there (Carnival style falsies anyone?) These are the few that I have tried and really liked. I WANT TO LEARN MORE THOUGH So please hit me up below! And let’s go out.

The Feminine Beauty Ideal

26 Mar

While writing the past couple of posts, it has occurred to me that no beauty-whatever bloggy thing can be complete without at least a short discussion on feminine beauty ideals. The “feminine beauty ideal,” these smarty pants sum up, is the “…socially constructed notion that physical attractiveness is one of women’s most important assets, and is something all women should try to achieve and maintain” (711). This is a broad description, and it is understood by us and scholars alike that there are many paradoxes within the reasons why women (and men for that manner) strive to or uphold a standard of grooming or beauty. There are also many standards of beauty ideals.

And now onto hur.

I hate to admit it, but I feel like I have to have manageable hair. To be fair, my loosely curly/wavy hair is completely manageable, but I do not feel my best if I haven’t tamed it a bit with the ghd classic flat iron.

ghd Classic styler

Do I feel like it seems more professional? Yes. Do I do it I have to do it though because of society? Maybe. I don’t like to make my hair stick straight as it feels unnatural for me (see Garance Dore’s piece on her then stick straight hair), I just like to pull the ghd (the Rolls-Royce of flat irons in my opinion) through my naturally dried tousled hair to get it a bit smoother and flatter.

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punkish lion photo

Glob Sticks

21 Mar

When it comes to glob sticks (“mascara” in normal speak), there are three things that must be met. It has to have:

1) A zaftig brush

2) A sturdy wand

and be

3) Non-waterproof — only for everyday wear. Unless you’re heading out for brunch in a tsunami, waterproof formulas dry out your lashes.

I have already mentioned my affection for Yves Saint Laurent mascara. It’s the Rolls-Royce of Glob, and thus has a cost of 30 something dollars. It has a life span for about two months if used every day (you will notice when it’s time to chuck it out — the bristles stick together, basically making it a smooth stick). Apparently you’re supposed to throw out mascara after two months of use anyway. Usually I just throw them out when the formula dries out, gets crumbly, super globby or when I run out. If you buy Yves, trust that he’ll tell you when it’s time to break up.

Since it’s incredibly expensive, the YSL is not the mascara I frequently buy or use everyday. I have compiled some kind of list below of other greats. Bear in  mind that we all have different wants and needs for our lashes. Because I have very long lashes I tend to use larger brushes to darken, puff-en and fan-en them out.  We have come a long way since powder and bristle brushes and new products on the market these days are high tech nerds that usually combine the whole kit and caboodle of enhancer options like volumizing, thickening, curling, etc… The more classic models/formulas are not as tech savvy and therefore will generally be focused on one performance enhancer.

There are a gazillion types of mascaras out there, all with their own flair and personality.

If you really really like the Yves (and I really really do), another gold packaged bad bitch mascara is L’Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes. It adds quite a bit of drahma and is a cheaper alternative to the Sex-In-A-Stick Yves.

The dependable coworker of this bunch is CoverGirl Professional All in One. Simple, straightforward, reliable, and sold in ever single drugstore/pharmacy.  It’s great for day if you want to highlight your lovely eyes but don’t want to get all porn star-y.  I prefer the curved brush to the straight one just to add a bit of dimensional drama to this otherwise Solid Molly of a glob. Both curved and straight brushes work well though. Unlike some of the newer CoverGirl mascaras out there, the wand is very sturdy.

Benefit’s Bad Gal is the mascara equivalent to a Rubens’ woman, though the name would suggest a Rubens gal putting on her leather and hitting the local strip club for a Girl’s Night Out. It’s everyone’s Top Banana so I won’t go into it too much here.  A cheaper alternative to the Bonnie Clyde Bad Gal is the very Doris Day Neutrogena Healthy Volume.

The Three Graces

GoNna gEt oUr dRanK oN.

Speaking about luscious fullness, Maybelline’s Full ‘N Soft is a super romantic, bat-your-peepers-and-make-your-lover-swoon kinda glob. Liesl would have absolutely been wearing this when she got all kissy face with Rolf.

The movie version of the Von Trapp estate was gorgeous, and if you wanted to emulate those grounds instead of kissing a Nazi, Laura Mercier’s Faux Lash will make your lashes sprout like vegetation on a Corinthian column.

Imagine this sproutage on your eye lids!

Now onto the “specialty” globs. As a green eyed person, I really do like a plum/purple mascara to bring out the Emerald Cities. Almay Intense i-Color Volumizing in a plum shade works well for me, and I imagine the other i-Colors will bring out the intensity in brown, hazel and blue eyes as well.

Most people I know coat their lashes with a black/brown mascara and then do a coat of any-other-color-than-black. That’s perfectly fine but a little snoozy. Colorful mascara used on its own is way more interesting than regular ole black and brown.  My friend Emily has HUGE blue eyes, and whenever she swaddles her lashes in Maybelline Great Lash in Royal Blue she looks dynamo. Like an edgy, beautiful alien (in the best of ways).  So, although a coat of Yves Saint Laurent Effet Faux Cils in Fascinating Violet on top of already blackened lashes is subtle, why not just wear color on its own? Royce’s aside, there are cheaper colorful drug store mascaras which are the way to go.

There are many types of mascaras I’d love to try. I really want to get some sparkle eye glob. I’m sure they have it somewhere. For now, these are all the mascaras I can think of.

So, what’s your favorite glob stick?

 

NOT A DINER BATHROOM: Rose

20 Mar

I think rose scented things are simply divine. Wait, no, let me rephrase that: GOOD rose smelling things rock. Bad rose smells like the air refreshers in Greek diner bathrooms or old people houses. I don’t like “dainty” rose smells either…especially those packaged to look like it came from some English something like a garden or the Queen Mum herself. Nah. I like a heavy, full bodied, sexy rose.

This smell in particular:

Anthropologie had the candle in stock for like a nanosecond in 2009. Unless you’re in Thailand, this candle is not the easiest thing to get which blows (ged it?)

That candle really did a number on me because now I can’t pass anything labeled “rose” without sticking my big nose into it and huffing. Although I most likely will never find anything that comes remotely close to that gorgeous candle (my first high), here’s some other nice smelly things:

Heritage Store has a lot of rose stuff. They even sell a gallon of rose water for 86 bucks. Imagine that! But back to the normal people products.

Not only can you use this spritz

Rose Petals Rosewater 4 oz  w/atomizer

as a hair/body/pet/home/whatever refresher (which I do) but you can also use it as a salad spritzer! The label says so! The smell is light but has body. When I haven’t showered I splash this stuff on because it makes me “feel clean” and can pH any bad stench lingering in my hair up up and away. When I do shower, I slather this afterwards:

Rose Aura Glow 8 oz

I use it for everything. As a makeup remover, as a moisturizer, to pat my frizzies down. I just haven’t tried it as an alternative oil base for salad dressings.

Another oil that smells a bit more “mature” (in a good way!) and works just as well is Weleda’s Wild Rose Body Oil.

This Claus Porto soap

is a hefty chunk of delicious, and the packaging is gorgeous. I haven’t gotten my ravaged hands on the candle version yet but I bet it smells just as lovely as the soap.

Speaking about soap and packaging, shout out to Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soap, the Rose Edition.

Rose Liquid Soap - 16 oz.

This is what I actually shower with before I slather on the Aura Glow potion. (You all know about the wacky writing on the label, but this shit can really be used in 18 million different ways. Back when I was a broke college kid and I ran out of detergent, I would use this. The gross dryer smell totally killed it so my undies never smelled fresh as a rose though.)

Moving right along to make up, the only one I can think of at the moment isYSL mascara. I have a feral-like-crazy love to/for these glob sticks. It is da best in the world. It knocks mascara out of the park. Not only does it smell great (like…dare I say…roses?) it also makes your lashes look 1000000000000000x better. Seriously. You’ll get laid wearing this.

And now, the most perfect rose base perfume I have huffed. The one, the only

STELLLAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

I have found that this stuff works like freaking catnip, for either gender. I was turned on to it after my friend Sammy wore it. Once, this guy I was seeing thought that my Chanel Mademoiselle smelled too much “like Macy’s” and so the next day I tested this spritz to only have him attached to my neck. To test this theory I have held it under unsuspecting guy friends’ noses, moving it around like a witch with her potion. 5/5 of my victims perked up and asked “what is that??? let me sniff it again!” This is good stuff.

So this is just a sample list of some of my favorite rose scented stuff. Holler down below if you know of any others!


 

Note:

Although I may jokingly refer to huffing here, huffing is not a good thing and can be very dangerous to your health!! DUH!!! Not only can you get bumps all along your nose and mouth (TRUE STORY, saw it on Criminal Minds so there) but you can also end up looking like this guy)

Video

ahhhhhh

20 Mar

I realized once I started getting super excited at the thought of writing about beauty stuff that I am not really good at being polished. I mean, I DO my eyebrows and wax under my belt and all but I am way more into sleep than I am into getting ready for work.  I get really bad callouses from walking everywhere in stupid shoes as well as overgrown cuticles from ripping off my finger nails when I’m nervous as fuck or stressed. I constantly check my hair for split ends and I LOVE IT. Anyone who examines his or her hair knows that it’s a hugely enjoyable, comforting, and pathological pleasure. I get a rush every time I find a really good split end (you know, the whacked out kind that splinters in a million ways or is super long— scoooore! Only problem is that you look like a total loon when indulging in some split end treasure hunting plus it wrecks your ‘do). Anyway, back to why I really am not the best person to be writing on beauty stuff. I use nail polish to make splatter cards (see below) and can only paint the remaining shreds of my left hand’s carnaged fingernails with my right hand because my left hand is too useless for anything that requires precision. And although I never leave the house without mascara and adore eye makeup of all kind, I buy a lot of it to draw costumes (à la Karl Lagerfeld) because makeup really gives clothing drawings a softer, more fabric-y look. I wish I used Shu Uemura or any other really fancy grade-A stuff but that shit is expensive so for right now Wet ‘N Wild and New York Color will just have to do.

splatter

(the banner in this picture was done by the stupendous and talented ladies over at nosurefooting)

Image

Ashy knees aside, I don’t think I look too horrible even though I may be unpolished. I lucked out in the face-epidermis department and have long lashes so I can get by ONLY if the rest of me is completely covered up by fabric (preferably laundered fabric). I may secretly be a sloberista (sloberina? Slobby Betty? Plain ole Slob? Which one works?) but I don’t think that I look like one…at least I hope not…

So why in the world am I doing this? Ehhh well because I love Beauty in every form yadda yadda. Certain friends of mine say they like the advice I give (“pinch your cheeks to get a natural blush just like Scarlett O’Hara did in order to jump into Ashley’s pants!”) but I doubt this will ever be a “guide” in the same way that other beauty junkies/sages write (and thank god for those writers because otherwise I would still be scribbling lip liner around the mouth like Maria Bamford). We’ll see.

[more on Maria Bamford]

[if you want to pay me for some nail art commission requests can be sent here: fabrikreklame@gmail.com]