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ahhhhhh

20 Mar

I realized once I started getting super excited at the thought of writing about beauty stuff that I am not really good at being polished. I mean, I DO my eyebrows and wax under my belt and all but I am way more into sleep than I am into getting ready for work.  I get really bad callouses from walking everywhere in stupid shoes as well as overgrown cuticles from ripping off my finger nails when I’m nervous as fuck or stressed. I constantly check my hair for split ends and I LOVE IT. Anyone who examines his or her hair knows that it’s a hugely enjoyable, comforting, and pathological pleasure. I get a rush every time I find a really good split end (you know, the whacked out kind that splinters in a million ways or is super long— scoooore! Only problem is that you look like a total loon when indulging in some split end treasure hunting plus it wrecks your ‘do). Anyway, back to why I really am not the best person to be writing on beauty stuff. I use nail polish to make splatter cards (see below) and can only paint the remaining shreds of my left hand’s carnaged fingernails with my right hand because my left hand is too useless for anything that requires precision. And although I never leave the house without mascara and adore eye makeup of all kind, I buy a lot of it to draw costumes (à la Karl Lagerfeld) because makeup really gives clothing drawings a softer, more fabric-y look. I wish I used Shu Uemura or any other really fancy grade-A stuff but that shit is expensive so for right now Wet ‘N Wild and New York Color will just have to do.

splatter

(the banner in this picture was done by the stupendous and talented ladies over at nosurefooting)

Image

Ashy knees aside, I don’t think I look too horrible even though I may be unpolished. I lucked out in the face-epidermis department and have long lashes so I can get by ONLY if the rest of me is completely covered up by fabric (preferably laundered fabric). I may secretly be a sloberista (sloberina? Slobby Betty? Plain ole Slob? Which one works?) but I don’t think that I look like one…at least I hope not…

So why in the world am I doing this? Ehhh well because I love Beauty in every form yadda yadda. Certain friends of mine say they like the advice I give (“pinch your cheeks to get a natural blush just like Scarlett O’Hara did in order to jump into Ashley’s pants!”) but I doubt this will ever be a “guide” in the same way that other beauty junkies/sages write (and thank god for those writers because otherwise I would still be scribbling lip liner around the mouth like Maria Bamford). We’ll see.

[more on Maria Bamford]

[if you want to pay me for some nail art commission requests can be sent here: fabrikreklame@gmail.com]

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